creativity

Giving Myself Permission to Draw Reminds Me Of When I Gave Myself Permission To Write

~ ChanAtkins ~ 4 Comments

Reclaiming my love of drawing

When I was a child I’d lose hours alone with a notebook, writing stories about lost and neglected animals and illustrating them myself. If you’d asked me back then I would have told you I longed to be an author and I’d also have told you how much I loved drawing. I did go on to study GCSE Art but that was where my attempts to draw came to an end. I stuck with writing for longer – though it fizzled out when I became a mother and I lost an entire decade where I did not write at all.

As a teenager, I used to sketch the characters in the stories I was working on, including The Boy With The Thorn In His Side, but post aged sixteen, I barely drew again. That’s as far as I allowed my skills to develop.

It’s sad when we grow up and lose our creativity and it happens all the time and to most people. Children are naturally creative in everything they do. They are curious about materials, they like to dance, move around, play make believe, sing, make noise, scribble and paint and make up stories. They don’t worry about being ‘good’ at it and they certainly don’t entertain the idea of making a ‘career’ out of it.

Yet as adults it is those two concerns that inevitably lead to us distancing ourselves from the creative pursuits we used to enjoy.

I remember going through a phase as a teenager where I would write little poems onto notepaper then illustrate the edges and paint over with water colours. I remember being thrilled with the results! Years later, when I finally got back into writing, I told myself it was just novel writing and that poetry was not my thing. Even when reclaiming writing, I was still putting up barriers to my creativity.

My journey with writing will never be over and I’m happy to say that as the years passed I naturally found myself progressing to embrace all forms of writing. Novels, short stories, flash fiction, essays, articles and yes, poetry! I love them all and practice them all every week.

What stopped me writing for a decade was not thinking I was good enough and not believing I could earn money from it. I’m so relieved that the urge continued to persist inside of me and that eventually it grew too big to ignore. I finally gave in and the dam burst in spectacular fashion. I recently published my twenty-third book, and earn monthly from writing in various forms on Medium. I’ve also had essays and articles published by various magazines over the years.

I have confidence in my writing now, but I still embrace progression and experimentation with it.

Back to drawing. Recently I started to get a very strong urge to draw. It reminded me very much of those urges to write I eventually gave into. It’s like a little bit of the old you poking relentlessly at your brain demanding to be let in, remembered and nurtured.

I started feeling like I wanted to create a graphic novel version of Black Hare Valley for crying out loud, that’s how strong the urge was. I gave in, to some extent. I didn’t plan to. But I was buying some supplies for my kids writing clubs in The Range and spotted some nice sketchbooks and before I knew it I had tucked one under my arm. It felt like giving myself a treat. Giving myself permission.

I’ve started playing around with ideas of sketches for Black Hare Valley. I’ve had fun with a few art tutorials and workbooks and had some helpful tips from my son who is studying A-Level Art. I’ve been pleased with my efforts but do you know what instantly occurred to me when I examined them?

one of the hares I’ve drawn for Black Hare Valley – just practicing!

They are the same level as the character drawings I did as a teenager. I haven’t gotten any better or matured my skills because I did not keep it up. Imagine how much better I would be at drawing now if I had not pushed that side of me away for so long!

Now every time I feel a bit embarrassed about my artistic efforts, and every time I feel like I am wasting my time or shouldn’t be doing it, I remind myself of how and why writing came back to me. It came back to me by itself. It hammered at my mind until I let it back in and once it had me in its grip again it refused to ever let go.

the bookshop in Black Hare Valley – a major location!

And because I stuck with it and practiced it, and tried new things, and studied it, and learnt from others, and got feedback, and kept going…. I got better!

I need to remind myself that the same thing applies to art.

the white hare – a character in Black Hare Valley – needs work!

My challenge is this: I want to illustrate the entire Black Hare Valley series myself. To do this I need to discover, embrace and improve my own style, much like writers do with their voice. I feel excited. I feel motivated. Whatever happens, it is good to have a challenge and a new hobby!

the ruins in Black Hare Valley – a major location
The raven in Black Hare Valley – another character – just pencil so far, will be going over with pen.

Advances in Tech Have Been Good To Writers – Until AI

~ ChanAtkins ~ Leave a comment

Using AI to help you write is not a road we should go down

Image by Christopher White from Pixabay

Up until recently technological advances in writing have been to my benefit as a writer. For example, without the internet we would not have self-publishing in the way we do now, print-on-demand, indie presses or even Amazon itself. Without the internet and everything it has brought us, it would have been much harder for me to realise my dream of becoming a published author.

Without the internet I would be unable to effectively market my books and build an author platform. I would not have my blog, my author accounts on social media, or good old Canva to help me make cool graphics.

In many ways, the internet offered a level playing field to writers. It didn’t matter so much who you were or where you came from, how wealthy or poor you were, or how educated or uneducated. There were no more gatekeepers — not if you were happy to take the independent route anyway.

Of course, being able to self-publish didn’t mean you would automatically sell a lot or gain any kind of following or respect, but hey, it was a start. At least our books were out there.

Up until now, technology has been a friend to me on my creative journey. I’d much rather type on my laptop than my old vintage typewriter, for example! The spelling and grammar check on Word is handy, and is there if I need it. So is Google — helping me research various topics without even have to leave my desk.

All of these things have helped me, so of course I am grateful for them. Have they made me a better writer though?

No. Experience has made me a better writer. Getting older has made me a better writer. Regular reading has made me a better writer. And my editor has made me a better writer. Funny how those things are all human…

Which is why I am unequivocally not in favour of writers using AI as a tool to help them write. To me, it’s cheating. There, I’ve said it. Now let me explain why, and let me explain why I do not advise new writers to go down that road.

Let’s put aside for now the many ethical issues with AI. The fact it is terrible for the environment and the fact it was trained by stealing from the published works of creative people without their permission. By the way, those two facts alone are enough for me to steer clear of it. Not that steering clear of it is easy! That’s another whole issue too. How exactly are we to avoid it?

Let’s stick with writing. What writing is, what it means to be a writer. I often think there are two kinds of writer if you want to be really basic about it. There is the writer who is born a writer: they’ve had a head full of ideas for as long as they can remember; they’re probably a maladaptive daydreamer; they frequently drift off into their own little worlds and they write all the time, every day, no matter what. Not because they want to but because they have to. They would still write even if the internet vanished. They would still write even if they never made a penny from it. They would still write even if no one ever read a word of it. They have to write.

The second kind come to writing a little later maybe. They have that one good idea they can’t let go of, and eventually they drum up the courage to do something about it. They then get the bug and realise they have a whole lot more to say. They may, for this reason, be a little more motivated by money, reads and respect. If the money dried up, for instance, they might not bother again.

I have the privilege of working with young writers. My job is supporting and encouraging them on their own writing journeys by offering prompts, challenges, activities and feedback. I run various clubs online and in person for children aged between 7 and 18. I love my job.

Nearly all of these children fall into the first category of writers I mentioned. Making money and future careers are not on their mind at all. They simply love writing. They were writing before they joined my clubs, and I have every faith they will still write after they leave.

Imagine my distress then when one of my young writers told me that they often use AI to help with their writing. In their own words, ‘to help them get better.’ Imagine my frustration when another, even younger writer, told me their school teacher had shown them how to use AI to write whole stories. They couldn’t understand why I wasn’t a fan of this. I wanted to remind them that there would be no job left for me if this trend continued. If they use AI to ‘get better’ at writing or if they use AI to write a story for them, what do they need me for?

So, that’s one concern. The other is that they are simply selling themselves short and taking the quick route to finishing a story or a project.

I didn’t say it to them, but my honest opinion is that using AI to help you write is cheating. I am not talking about using a spell check or grammar check — that is not the same thing.

I am talking about writing a paragraph and then asking AI to make it ‘better’ for you. I am talking about having ideas for a story and then asking AI to write it for you. I am talking about using AI to craft your emails or to regurgitate articles and essays here on Medium. I am talking about handing over your own beautiful creative human soul to AI.

It makes me want to cry!

The way I feel is this: writing should be hard. Crafting the perfect email should be something you take time over. Constructing a poem to reveal your inner feelings, should take a long time. Novels should be written draft after agonising draft. Blood, sweat and tears should go into writing because writing is important! Goddamn it, writing is what makes us human. Telling stories has been part of our lives since the very start. Telling stories, reading books, listening to music, dancing, acting, sewing, knitting, all of these creative and imaginative pursuits are what make us human.

Writing is far too important to hand over to AI.

I have had a few discussions with young writers about using AI and they have outlined their reasons for relying on it, but they have failed to change my mind. One of the reasons someone gave was that they knew what they wanted to say but not how to say it, so they wrote the paragraph of the essay then asked AI to reword or reorganise it.

NO, I wanted to scream, that’s your job! That’s called editing. Editing, revising, rewriting are all important aspects of writing and they are how you learn to get better! You can’t tell me AI teaches you these things. You’re not going to learn that way. You’re going to learn by figuring it out for yourself.

And yes, I know, a writer rarely works alone. After many, many drafts of a novel, the writer uses beta readers, editors and proof-readers to polish up that product. Please don’t tell me that’s the same as using AI because it bloody isn’t. Firstly, do we really want to see all those people out of jobs? And second, AI cannot do what they do. It cannot replace the relationship you build with these people, it cannot relate to you and your writing in the way they can once they understand your writing voice and style. And worse than all of that, AI is trained by using other people’s work… Do you really want your writing to sound like someone else’s?

And let’s go back to writing voice and style because I think that is one of the main things at risk from using AI to ‘help’ you write. Having your own unique voice is one of the most important and beautiful and human things about writing. The fact that the same thing can be said in so many different ways simply because we have different personalities, is beautiful to me. Fascinating. Even with my youngest writers I notice their different styles. That’s a unique human thing and we cannot allow AI to replace that.

How will new and young writers ever find their writing style and voice if they use AI to help them so early on?

One of the people I discussed this with stuck to their argument, which was fine, but I told them again and again, you do not need it. You have got this far without it. This person is incredibly smart and articulate, and has their own writing style and voice. One I hugely admire. They do not need AI!

In fact, I would go as far to say that the there are only two groups of writers who do need AI, and even they shouldn’t use it. Writers who are just not very good and don’t want to learn how to get better, and people who want to make a fast buck by using AI to churn out ebooks.

From someone who spends years on each book I write, it makes me feel genuinely sick. These people are not writers and do not understand how important writing is.

AI is diluting what it means to be a creative human being. It genuinely worries me. Not only does it make me fear for my job, both as an author and as a creative writing tutor, but I fear where it will lead us. What will be the outcome of this? What will future writers sound like? What if the authors of the future can’t even string a sentence together by themselves because they never learned how? What if the writers of tomorrow never connect with other creatives because they’ve asked AI to craft all their emails and correspondence, used AI as an editor and proof-reader, and churned an ebook out that has no heart, no soul, no meaning?

I worry about how this will impact human imagination. I worry about how this will affect the whole process of what it means to be a writer. Writers who rely on AI will miss out on so much: the joy and tears of trial and error, of success after failure, or pushing through writers block to get to that finish line, of holding a book in your hands and smiling joyfully as you rightfully claim, I wrote this!

My final argument against the use of AI in writing is this. Shakespeare didn’t need it. Jane Austen didn’t need it. The Brontes didn’t need it. Stephen King didn’t need it. Countless authors who have touched our lives, inspired us, made us laugh and made us cry for hundreds of years, got this far without AI helping them — so why the hell do we need it now? We don’t.

We can and should do it ourselves.

I’m going to give the final words on this debate to one of my favourite poets and authors, Charles Bukowski. Bukowski wrote a lot of poems about writing but this is my favourite and this is exactly how I feel about writing.

“If it doesn’t come
bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don’t do it.

Unless it comes unasked
out of your heart
and your mind
and your mouth
and your gut,
don’t do it.

If you have to sit for hours staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your typewriter
searching for words,
don’t do it.

If you’re doing it
for money or fame,
don’t do it.

If you’re doing it because
you want women in your bed,
don’t do it.

If you have to sit there
and rewrite it again and again,
don’t do it.

If it’s hard work
just thinking about doing it,
don’t do it.

If you’re trying to write
like somebody else,
forget about it.

If you have to wait
for it to roar out of you,
then wait patiently.
If it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

If you first have to read it
to your wife
or your girlfriend
or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you’re not ready.

Don’t be like so many writers,
don’t be like so many thousands of people
who call themselves writers.
Don’t be dull
and boring
and pretentious,
don’t be consumed with self — love.

The libraries of the world
have yawned themselves
to sleep over your kind.

Don’t add to that.
Don’t do it.

Unless it comes out of your soul
like a rocket,
unless being still
would drive you to madness
or suicide
or murder,
don’t do it.

Unless the sun inside you
is burning your gut,
don’t do it.

When it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by itself
and it will keep on doing it
until you die
or it dies in you.

There is no other way.
And there never was.”

Charles Bukowski

For Writers, Risk and Courage Come Hand In Hand

~ ChanAtkins ~ 6 Comments

It’s never been tougher than it is right now…

Image by Public Co from Pixabay

Being a creative person and sharing what you create is risky. While creating art, writing, dancing or acting are all very human things, all part of our desire to tell stories and express what is inside of us, sharing them with the world is something else. What starts as pure pleasure can easily morph into something that induces fear, self-doubt and regret, even horror.

Undoubtedly, when you put time, effort and money into creating something that might not be appreciated or even noticed, there is a high level of risk attached. You might regret what you’ve shared. You might hate it. You might feel embarrassed of your attempts. You might receive negative feedback that hurts so much you never want to write again. You might become swamped with imposter syndrome. In short, you might fail.

But time and again writers do it anyway and perhaps they are especially brave for this or perhaps they just don’t have a choice in the matter. I’m inclined to think compulsion and obsession have more to do with it than courage. But we can’t deny it’s both brave and risky to share a little piece of your soul with the world.

There is also courage in the act itself — in putting pen to paper. There is risk around every corner. Risk staring right back at you from the horror and the challenge of the empty page or blank screen. There is a world of words and ideas in your head but the courage it takes to attempt to put them into some sort of order, to allow yourself to open up and let them pour out of you, is something else.

It hurts, to make art, to write, to allow yourself to be open, raw and vulnerable. It’s uncomfortable at times, to be that in tune with your feelings and emotions. Writing involves looking inwards as much as looking outwards. Writing is scary because it has the potential to go so horribly wrong. Writing is risky because transferring it to page or screen can feel utterly impossible, yet we do it, again and again. Writing is like magic, like witchcraft. Writing is the one thing that can allow us to truly know ourselves and explore the entire world and all of history and space at the same time. Writing is the thing that makes us feel free. Writing is the thing that makes us human. (Or at least it used to be until AI came along.)

It’s not easy to write a story, a poem, a novel. It takes real guts to dig your own claws into your own weak skin in order to reveal what’s underneath. It’s having the audacity to believe little old nobody you actually has something to say. It’s feeling the never-ending itch to unleash ideas and characters and made-up worlds from inside of you. And for what reason? What purpose? A lot of the time, we don’t even know.

There is so much fear involved in writing that some writers never even put pen to paper. There is so much risk involved in writing that some writers never ever finish the book they’ve been working on. So much courage is needed that many writers give up entirely, often before they’ve ever really started.

And who can blame them?

It’s a tough world out there. Despite relying heavily on every area of the arts to survive this life, humans have never been particularly good at appreciating or valuing creative pursuits.

The arts are generally underfunded and undervalued and this often means adults and educators actively discourage young people from trying to make a living from the arts. Sometimes it feels like everything is stacked up against you from the very start. Actually, screw that. The truth is everything is stacked up against you from the very start.

I remember my friends, relatives and teachers applauding my stories when I was a kid. But that congratulations and encouragement only went so far. The arts were, after all, a hobby, something to do for fun, to pass the time and to entertain yourself. Not something to make a living out of. It took me a long time to claw my way back from that but these days I’m happy to say I earn my living from the arts and I encourage kids to as well.

You might even argue that we live in a society that actively discourages people from being creative. And hey, now we have AI taking over art, do we even really need creative people anymore?

That’s a depressing thought but it’s one that leads me back to courage and risk, because these days being creative and sharing it with the world is increasingly risky, and therefore increasingly brave. Creative people are going to have to fight even harder to be seen and heard thanks to AI.

Are publishing companies going to be even more reluctant to sign up new writers when they have AI at their disposal? Are we going to see an upwards trend in big companies replacing all kinds of writers with AI because of the amount of money it will save them? Is AI going to get so good that soon readers will be unable to tell the difference between it and human told stories? Will readers even care?

Querying agents and publishers is risky and scary and it always has been — wasting time you don’t have and knowing that the chances of ‘making it’ are very slim. It takes a huge amount of courage to send out queries only to get rejected again and again.

Independent publishing has given many talented writers a chance to go alone and bring in their own readers, but it carries its own risks. You need money to put out a professional product and you’ll often find that family and friends still don’t take you seriously because you don’t have a traditional publishing deal.

You risk everything when you decide to write and share it with the world. You risk humiliation, rejection, ridicule and dismissal. You risk losing money, losing faith, losing self-belief and determination. You risk being misunderstood and misinterpreted. You risk the door being slammed in your face. You risk bad reviews and low sales. You risk no one taking you seriously. You risk writing for no reason, for no money, no reward, no praise.

But if you are truly a writer, you do it anyway.

And you always will.

If you are a real writer, you won’t be dissuaded by any of that because who can realistically piss on your fireworks? No one. Because you know. You know how vital it is. If you truly love writing, you will do it anyway. Despite all of the above, and in spite of all of the above. If you love writing, you will do it anyway because there is never any other choice. Because to do it anyway is the biggest fuck you possible to all of the above and after all, what is it to be human, but to fall down and get back up again, again and again?

If you really mean it, you’ll do it. You’ll squash AI generated stories with your little finger. You’ll rise above it. You’ll keep doing it. You’ll listen to the voices in your head, you’ll drift off and zone out time and time again, you’ll create worlds you can disappear into whenever you like, you’ll laugh and sing and dance and write for the pure damn thrill of it. For the pure damn joy.

It won’t matter if you never get paid, never get noticed, never get seen, never get respected. It won’t matter and it won’t stop you. Because everything inside of you is exploding like fireworks and that makes you different from everyone else out there. That makes you special.

You’re a writer. It is insanely risky and unbelievably brave.

And that’s why you’ll do it anyway.

How To Handle A Long To-Write-List

~ ChanAtkins ~ 1 Comment

I’ve blogged before about how to juggle multiple writing projects at the same time. For me, it’s almost impossible to work on one thing at a time and I used to worry about this. I don’t anymore. There is always a priority project, one that is the closest to being ready for publication, and that’s the one I work on first every single night. However, new ideas spring up all the time, and if I don’t write them down I run the risk of forgetting an important detail. Also, when I’m stuck in a long editing/rewriting/revising process for a written book, my mind craves fresh, new exciting writing. I decided long ago to just go with it and accept that it’s always going to be this way. At the moment, for example, I’m editing/revising my 4-book YA post-apocalyptic series The Day The Earth Turned. This should be the final edit before it goes to the proofreader and as all four books are completed and almost ready, there is no fresh, new writing involved anymore. I’m also going through the same process with the YA trilogy I’ve co-written with Sim Sansford. Book one is with the proofreader and we’re getting the other two books ready to go after that. These two projects are the priority, but I want to write new stuff as well!

But having a lot of ideas, or a long -to-write-list can be distracting. New ideas can derail you from current projects, and at the same time, if you ignore new ideas until you’ve got time for them, you could easily forget important details or forget the whole idea entire entirely!

When a new idea comes along, it can feel so bright and exciting, that it becomes tempting to quit or ‘rest’ your current WIP and jump to the new one. Young writers do this a lot, and so they should – writing should be vibrant and exciting and I think young minds should respond to the influx of ideas they’re getting. However, if you’re a published author, you need to stick to your goals and work through them one at a time, or it can all become a bit of a mess.

My 8-book to-write-list

So, this is how I handle it. I prioritise one project until it is published, but also allow myself to work on something new a few times a week, and jot ideas down in notebooks for future books. Currently, I’m working on the first draft of what will stand as a spin-off book to The Boy With The Thorn In His Side series. (Working title, At Night They Played In The Road.) I’m at chapter twenty-three and only write it every now and then, but it’s constantly on my mind and will definitely be the next one to bump up to priority position. I am also scribbling a diary style story into a notebook every now and then. This is my Zombie apocalypse story which is honestly just a bit of fun at the moment, and a long way down the list to take seriously. I can’t resist adding to it every now and then though.

The other day I decided to organise all my future book ideas into a sensible to-write-list. You can see in the image that I have eight future novels outlined. I’m not exactly sure of the order these will be prioritised in. Sometimes books at the end of the list get louder and push their way forward, shoving others out of the way as they do. I just hope I don’t get any more ideas, as this list is plenty to keep me going for several years! I’ve listed them below in the order I THINK I will tackle them and added a brief description of the book idea and how far developed it is at the moment.

Working title: At Night They Played In The Road. A spin-off to my 5-book series The Boy With The Thorn In His Side. Written 23 chapters so far and characters are developing well. Notebook contains plot ideas and structure, character bios, and chapter outlines so far.
The Mess Of Us: The long awaited sequel to my debut YA novel The Mess Of Me. Written about half of it in first draft. Know exactly what’s going to happen. Notebook contains ideas for the plot, chapter outlines so far and half of a hand-written first draft.
We Hate The Cool Kids: (working title) I wrote this a few years ago! The first draft is done, except the ending needs some sorting out. It came out of nowhere and just wrote itself into a notebook, longhand. I haven’t gone back to it yet because it jumped the queue and I wanted to concentrate on publishing The Holds End trilogy and The Day The Earth Turned series. It will be great to get back to this soonish as it is basically done and ready for it’s 2nd draft! It’s a YA psychological thriller. Notebook contains character bios, plot ideas and structure and chapter outlines, as well as almost the whole book written in longhand.
I’ve popped it here in the list but it might jump the queue a bit and it should get done fast as two of us will be writing it! A year ago Sim and I started writing a YA supernatural trilogy together and it’s now done and each book is heading one by one to the proofreader. Once we’ve done final, final edits on that, we will start this together! It sprung from a short story I wrote. The idea grew and grew and it’s definitely one Sim and I could make work. It’ll be another YA. Post-apocalyptic/dystopian, possibly?? Notebook contains the short story the idea came from, character bios, plot ideas and a possible introduction.
A few years ago me and my son were writing fanfiction together when I had the idea for an ‘IT’ style horror series about unlikely young heroes battling evil in their strange little town. We drew an intricate map of the fictional town and I started writing plot ideas and character bios. My son then lost interest and I tucked it all away for another day. This story has grown a lot since then and its one I am really excited to start! I’d say Black Hare Valley will be a YA supernatural/paranormal/horror series. Notebook contains a huge fold-out map of the fictional town, character bios, ideas for the plot and research on local folklore and legends.
Diary Of The Undead came about thanks to my obsession with The Walking Dead, which started a year ago when I first watched it! A few months ago I got the idea for a diary style book from the POV of an unlikely teen hero and couldn’t resist starting it. I’ve nearly filled an entire notebook but it will be some time before I treat this one as a priority. I will continue to add to it when I feel like it. It’ll be a YA horror series. Notebook contains character bios and plot ideas and almost a whole notebook of the first draft in longhand.
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This book has been growing in my mind for a few years, but all I ever really had was a large, dysfunctional family and the death of a child. I have a lot more than that now so it got it own notebook the other day and I’ve started adding character bios already. I came up with the title quickly the other day but it will probably change. It’ll be some years before this one gets written! It will be a psychological thriller/family mystery aimed at adults. Notebook contains basic plot idea, ideas to explore, structure ideas and a few character bios.

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This is last on the list as it’s calling to me the least but who knows? It might climb higher. This is an idea based on a book I almost finished writing when I was in my late teens. It didn’t have a title back then but was essentially about a terrible crime and the revenge that follows. I’ll use the same characters I had back then and the basic storyline, but it will flick between the past and the present now and will probably fit the adult thriller market. Notebook contains character bios and basic plot ideas I had from back then.

Sorting each book idea out like this has really helped me feel in control. Not all of them had notebooks and some of them were just ideas and characters floating around in my head. I feel like I’ve contained them somewhat now! And the good thing is, I can add to these notebooks any time I get ideas for plot, character or dialogue. This means that when each book finally gets its turn, it will feel like getting in touch with an old friend. Everything will be in place to get going.

Do you have a long to-write list? How do you take care of future ideas? Feel free to comment and share!