reality

Spit Out and Churned Out By The Relentless March Of Time, I Keep Trying To Fight Back

~ ChanAtkins ~ 3 Comments

How focusing on moments made Monday mornings a little sweeter..

(Originally posted on Medium)

Image by Bruno from Pixabay

I think our awareness of time really starts when we enter education. I remember sitting in a classroom and staring at the clock willing it to move. When finally it was home time I’d feel elated, but before I knew it, my mother would be saying it was time for bed. And then there was the Sunday night dread… School again tomorrow! Really, already?

Friday night was wonderful. Saturday was great but slightly marred by the knowing that Sunday quickly followed and Sunday kind of sucked because it was the day before Monday. Me and my son were talking about this the other day. He is ten and often expresses sentiments that echo my own relationship with time.

For instance, he often claims that the weekend went too fast, and he is starting to notice that in general, time moves too quickly. He said this about the summer holiday, for example. ‘Today went really quick, this week is over already? It’s nearly time to go back to school!’ His panic echoed my own. It’s not fair, we both wanted to say — slow it all down, please!

I often wish time as we know it had not been invented. We are slaves to the clock and the passing of time whether we like it or not. It’s like a big doom-filled timer hanging over us – reminding you that you are always one step closer to death. Your time is always running out. You are always fighting against time. You always wish you had more of it.

Lack of time causes much stress and resentment. As a writer I never feel I have enough time to write. I always grab what I can and make the most of it but would I like endless time to write? Yes, of course! But life and human made constraints get in the way.

We have invented a world that counts us down in seconds, minutes and hours. We cannot look away. We are glued to it.

As much as I want to ignore time and not be ruled by it I cannot. I have to set an alarm to make sure we get up in time to be ready for the school run. I have to keep an eye on the time when I walk my dogs so that I am back on the laptop in time for Zoom calls. I have to watch the time to know when to pick my son up, when to cook dinner, when it’s time for bed.

Time, time, time. It owns us.

We all want to slow it down, but why? Because of death and not knowing for sure what comes after that. We worry, what if this is the one and only life I get? I’ve got to live it, fill it, appreciate it, make the most of it, but what if I’m not? It panics us. We want to slow it down because ultimately we are not okay with dying.

I resent it and I’m constantly looking for ways to change it only to realise that it’s impossible. Or is it?

Is there a way to slow it down? I’m always wondering this. I have an urge to try an experiment. I want to exist in a timeless weekend. I want to turn off all devices and make sure I cannot check the time at all, not once. I want to eat only when I am hungry and move when I feel restless and write when I feel creative and rest when I am tired. I want to do it and see if it feels faster or slower as I have a sneaking suspicion that watching the clock all the time is one of the things that makes it go faster.

Perhaps loving and enjoying life makes it feel faster. We all know that time slows down when we are bored or unhappy. Those afternoons sat at school watching the clock for the home time bell used to go on forever…

And why is it that as we grow older, time goes even faster? I sometimes feel I exist on a hamster wheel that just keeps me spinning around forever. I get churned out every Monday morning to the start of a new week, then suddenly it’s the end of the day, then suddenly it’s morning again, then suddenly it’s the end of the week.

It’s what everyone says all the time. Doesn’t it go fast? How is it nearly Christmas again? Didn’t the summer fly by?

Is there anything we can do to slow time down or make friends with it?

I think so. And being a writer really helps…

Let’s take Monday morning. No one wants it. No one loves it. It’s a very sad and unloved day of the week, but is it really so bad? Sometimes we have to embrace the unwanted and the unloved and look at it in a different way.

I am trying hard to make friends with Monday. I am trying to give it some love, after all, is Friday really the great fun pal it makes itself out to be? I think not when it all too suddenly spits you into Saturday with Sunday on the horizon!

This Monday morning I woke up in a good mood. Despite recent ups and downs, I surprised myself by waking up with a smile. The night before I tucked myself into my own dream world as usual and tried something new. I talked to myself in my head (I know I sound crazy…) about the niceness of tomorrow. I walked my way through the little bits of Monday that would be nice.

It started with my breakfast of oats with a swirl of chocolate spread mixed in. I smiled thinking about it. I know I am very easily pleased but I was looking forward to it. Other nice things were my time on my own before everyone wakes up and playing this little town building game I have on my iPad before reading a bit of news. The next niceness was waking my son up because one of our dogs always has to be involved and always makes it funny in some way. The next niceness was remembering that we bought the Blur Live At Wembley CD yesterday and me and my music mad son could enjoy listening to more of it on the drive to school.

I focused on these nice things more as they came up because I had tucked myself into sleep thinking about them. Then I started to notice more of them. It was Monday morning all right and there was something dark and menacing about it. Dark skies promised more rain and it felt like the sun had barely risen. The landscape looked haunted and beautiful. I smiled. There is beauty in darkness. There is beauty in a dark Monday morning.

I’m not sure if it slowed time down but it made me feel less of a slave to it and I carried it on for the rest of Monday. The niceness of my lovely Zoom group children, the niceness of eating the leftover focaccia bread we bought yesterday, the niceness of another dog walk under moody skies, the niceness of writing ideas filling my head, and eventually us all gathering back at home to eat dinner and talk about our days before another day ends.

And I feel lucky… I am alive. I had another Monday. I woke up. I lived and breathed and thought and felt and dreamed and noticed and experienced…. Yes time passed but that was because I lived. And one day I will be close to dying and I’ll look back and think well, that went fast but I did my best with it, I saw it for what it was and I tried to soak up and experience every moment, even the bad ones, and I didn’t wish it away and I paused as often as I could to think how amazing it was to have had a life.

Wow, if you think about it, it really is a beautiful thing to be alive…

As for now, I’ll end the day with the ultimate reward, writing. Then in bed once more, I’ll talk to myself about my stories, replay and plan scenes, listen to the characters talk and figure out plot holes and then I’ll think ahead about the niceness of Tuesdays…

In conclusion, I’ll let you know if I ever do my timeless experiment but I do wonder if living without time, having endless time would actually be some kind of hell?

My 2021 Goals Versus The Reality

~ ChanAtkins ~ 2 Comments

It’s that time of year again!! It’s time to look back on my stated goals for 2021 and see how well I did with them. Every year in January I write down a list of goals for the year ahead and every year in December I reflect back and see how many I achieved. So, here goes!

Image by Tumisu from Pixabay

Goal 1: Do even better in the vegetable plot Improving how much food we grow ourselves was top of my list of goals last year and it is again for 2021. There are so many reasons why this is important to me but I think the main reason is mental health. Gardening absolutely saved my sanity during the first lockdown and home-schooling. It’s addictive. It burns more calories than just about any other exercise and getting dirty is good for you physically and mentally. I could go on and on about how amazing it makes me feel to spend time in the garden, but I think you probably get it. Towards the end of this season I extended the plot and I am still popping in there whenever I can to keep on top of weeds and to add mulch and manure. I cannot wait to start sowing again!

Reality: Achieved?? I did better in some areas and failed miserably in others! As usual I fell into the trap of forgetting to replant as much as I should have. I did really well with potatoes, carrots, pumpkins, lettuce, and curly kale, as well as onions, garlic and leeks! My raspberries and strawberries really let me down this year. Perhaps they were having a year off. My tomatoes were not great either and just like every other year, my cauliflower and broccoli got eaten by caterpillars. I had fun though. The plot provided me with many happy hours enjoying the outdoors and I can’t wait to get stuck into it again soon!

Goal 2: Publish the next two books in the Holds End Trilogy – This should happen. Emily’s Baby and The Search For Summer are both good and ready to go. They need formatting for ebook and paperback, they need their back cover blurbs finalised and they need front covers. All these things are in motion and I hope to release them early next year, possibly February and March.

Reality: Achieved! The whole trilogy is out now!

Goal 3: Revamp and re-release Bird People and Other Stories – This little short story collection needs a makeover. I have already contacted my designer about revamping the front cover and my proofreader is going to go over all the stories after I have. This shouldn’t take long and I hope to re-release it in April.

Reality: Achieved! Yes it has a brand new cover and has been professionally edited and proofread and is just much, much better. The only thing I haven’t yet got around to is sorting out the updated paperback version!

Goal 4: Finish and release my short story and poetry collection The Old Friend and Other Strange Tales and Poems (working title!!)– This collection just keeps growing and growing but at some point I need to call time on it and get it out there! I will get the same designer to do the cover so that it compliments Bird People and of course there will be several rounds of edits and proofreads before it is ready, so I hope to release it towards the end of the Summer, perhaps July or August.

Reality: Not achieved. I’m nearly there with this one. It is finished and it has been edited and proofread and I have contacted the designer about the front cover. It will be released in 2022 as soon as the cover is ready, so I was close!

Goal 5: Start the second draft to my current WIP The Day The Earth Turned- Book One – I am very close to finishing the first draft and really hope to have it done by the end of 2020…so the next step for this one would be a second draft. I was tempted to dive straight into writing book two, but as this is such a complex and challenging book to write (more on that another time!) I now feel going back over Book One would be beneficial before I start Book Two. There are already bits I want to change, for example.

Reality: Achieved! I’ve actually gone above and beyond the goal I set for myself with this one. Not only did I finish the second draft of book one, I wrote the second, third and fourth books too! The first three are now all at fourth draft status, and I’m currently on draft two of the final book four. I am then going to go back to the start for some major rewriting so I still don’t know when this series will be ready to release, but I am so pleased I got on so well and actually wrote the whole damn thing!

Goal 6: Move things forward with Chasing Driftwood Writing Group – now that I have a creative partner, I am really excited about the CIC changing and growing in 2021. We have some exciting plans in motion which we will talk about very soon. Lots and lots of things in the pipeline – so I really hope that after the disaster of 2020 where thanks to Covid I barely earned a thing, I can finally start to see the hard work pay off in 2021.

Reality: Achieved! 2021 kicked off with another lockdown and another stint of home schooling, which as you can imagine was a lot harder in the Winter months. But we got through it and second time around I had all my Zoom writing clubs ready to take over where we couldn’t meet physically. Things got better after that and I now have seven kids writing clubs on the go, most of which are full, and some of which have waiting lists! We also started a subscription service for adults and kids and got three online writing courses completed for children. On top of all of that we put together a pandemic themed anthology and published it under our brand new imprint, Chasing Driftwood Books! Stay Home – A Year of Writing Through Lockdown is a collection of personal essays, short stories and poems on the lockdown experience. We were lucky enough to have some amazing writers contribute to the anthology and it has done really well! The money raised from sales will go towards funding our next community writing project.

Goal 7: Carry on writing the screenplay version of The Boy With The Thorn In His Side – this is a project I recently started and it’s not a priority. It can’t be, with all the other things going on! But if I have a spare moment in the week, I do enjoy getting back to this. It’s really challenging and fun turning a book into a screenplay and of course, it would be my absolute dream come true to see the series turned into a TV series.

Reality: Not achieved. I didn’t touch this once! In fact I can’t even remember the name of the free scriptwriting software I was using to write it! There just isn’t time for this as well sadly, not when the list of books I want to write and publish keeps growing longer. Maybe one day.

Goal 8: Get better at promoting my books! – I have been shockingly bad at this in 2020. Sometimes I go weeks or even months without so much as tweeting a link. I really need to come up with a plan and stick to it. I think I will get a separate notebook just for promotional activities and ideas and make a load of lists to tick off. This should motivate me a bit more and keep me on track.

Reality: Somewhat achieved? Okay, I didn’t really put a plan together and I have still had moments of ignoring marketing BUT I have been far more consistent. I try to post a few book related things every day and never go more than a day without posting at all. I can’t afford to pay for any advertising so I have to stick to the free things such as blogging and using social media. I think I have definitely been better and my sales have been a tad better too, but there is still much room for improvement here!

Goal 9: Keep adding notes to other book ideas… – I was tempted to add ‘finishing some almost ready books’ to this goals list but I think I would be setting myself up to fail. I got over half way through a first draft of the sequel to The Mess Of Me recently but then decided The Day The Earth Turned had waited long enough and I wouldn’t let The Mess Of Us jump the queue….In 2019 I wrote the first draft of a YA novel with the working title We Hate The Cool Kids. I would also love to tackle a second draft of this but again, it will have to wait. And then there is the spin-off book from The Boy With The Thorn In His Side series…in the fifth book I introduced two characters called Alfie and Tom. They took on a life of their own and I started to plan a spin-off book for them. I’ve actually written fourteen chapters of it in a very small notebook and they are always in my head! But no, no, no, The Day The Earth Turned series and my two collections will take priority in 2021! I have to draw a line somewhere! I will, however, keep adding notes to these books whenever I think of something. They are all very much alive and crowding my head and their time will come.

Reality: Achieved! As I said above, The Day The Earth Turned really had to take priority in 2021 and I made sure that it did. I did not write anymore of The Mess Of Me sequel and I did not get to the second draft of We Hate The Cool Kids. I did however write up the hand-written chapters I’d started for The Boy With The Thorn In His Side spin-off book and then carried on writing it. I haven’t focused on it for a few months now because I really got going with The Day The Earth Turned, but I definitely kept adding to the notes for it. I also started a zombie apocalypse story in a notebook which I will get back to one day AND I co-wrote a trilogy of YA supernatural books with my business partner Sim Sansford! These need a lot more editing and work but we hope to release book one in 2022!

Goal 10: Continue to Practice Self-Care – it wasn’t until the perimenopause set in last year, followed by Covid 19, that I realised how bad I am at looking after myself. I’m talking about really small, simple things – the small pleasures that calm you down and make you smile, like long baths with a good book and a drink of wine! I started making more of an effort in 2020 and I will carry this on. I will insist on time for myself in this busy, hectic life and I will make sure I get it.

Reality: Achieved! I’ve definitely got better at self-care. It’s been quite a tough year in some ways, but for me personally, I feel stronger. In fact I have planned a future for me and my husband that is about as stress free as you can get and I intend to make sure we achieve it. More on that another time!

My 2019 Writing Goals Vs The Reality

~ ChanAtkins ~ 3 Comments

At the start of 2019 I wrote my yearly post setting out my writing goals for the year ahead. I only gave myself six goals, so how did I get on? In what has now become a tradition, I will go through them and see how many I achieved! Next week I will set out my 2020 goals.

  • Submit some writing-related articles –  I’ve written some well-received articles for Author’s Publish in the past and have quite a few drafts of potential articles. I’ve just not had the time to polish them up and submit them! I need to get back into doing this. It’s fun, it’s great for exposure, it improves writing skills and it pays! I should have more time in 2019 with my youngest finally in full-time school.
  • REALITY; I did this! I think I had three articles accepted by Author’s Publish this year, but I would need to double check that’s correct. But anyway, this one can be ticked off as achieved!
  • Continue To Work On The Six-Part Series, The Boy With The Thorn In His Side and release parts 3 and 4 early in the year – This was a surprising thing that happened in 2018 and pushed some other plans out of the queue. I reworked and revised the original novel into two parts and re-released in 2018. I then wrote a brand new part 3 and reworked what was the sequel This Is The Day, into what will serve as part 4. I then penned a very rough part 5 in a notebook and planned part 6. I know how it will all end and I’m so excited to get it done! In 2019 I aim to release parts 3 and 4 very soon as they are almost ready, and get part 5 to second or third draft status.
  • REALITY; I did this too! In fact, I did more. I released parts three and four at the start of 2019, finished part 5 and wrote part 6! Currently I am working on parts 5 and 6 side by side, and we are at draft number four. I am very happy with how these have turned out and can’t wait to release the final two books probably towards the end of 2020 once they have been fully polished up!
  • Publish A Song For Bill Robinson – this book is ready and has been waiting very patiently for over a year! I spent all of last year polishing up Elliot Pie and getting side-tracked by The Boy series. This YA novel should see a release in 2019. I may try a few small press publishers first and if no joy, I will publish it with Pict and release probably late spring, early summer.
  • REALITY; I did this too! A Song For Bill Robinson was released on 6th December this year. The second book in the trilogy, Emily’s Baby will be released Spring 2020 and I am currently writing the first draft of the third book, The Search For Summer.
  • Continue to work on YA post-apocalyptic series and get first draft of the first book completed– This is another thing that keeps getting pushed back, but I have got to Chapter Twelve now in the first draft of book one. If I can get that first draft done in 2019 I will be very happy.
  • REALITY; Nope, didn’t achieve this. I did work on it now and then and I think I’m at Chapter 20 or something similar. I haven’t worked on it for a while now because A Song For Bill Robinson and Emily’s Baby needed so many more edits/proofreads in the last few months, plus I’ve dedicated every evening to working on The Boy series parts 5 and 6. I hope to get back into this series in 2020.
  • Continue to work on the various writing projects under my Community Interest Company, Chasing Driftwood Writing Group – There are two on the go. One in planning stages. Lots and lots more I want to do, but in 2018 time and fear really got in my way…I’ve decided I really need to get braver and more pro-active with all of this. I started the business in 2015 and became a CIC at the end of 2017. 2018 was my first year as a CIC and I’ve felt out of my depth the entire time. I’ve been on the verge of quitting more than once. I really, really want to do it. Not just the community writing project, but the school project and another project I have in mind. I think about them all the time and feel so passionate about it…yet it all seems too hard sometimes. I’ve decided the main problem is I am all alone. I do have a treasurer and a secretary and they are wonderfully helpful and supportive, but other than that, I’m juggling it all alone. I need to buck my ideas up this year and get things done. I need to work harder and faster and with more determination. And I really really need to work with others!!
  • REALITY; Mixed results on this one. None of the projects I was working on have been launched yet, but one is getting closer and my dream of not working alone all the time came true! For one big project I am working with The Red House Museum and the manager Laura has really been like a mentor to me this year. I also took part in a literary festival this year, giving a talk to teen writers. And I started more writing clubs! I have three new clubs starting after Christmas, and three on the go, so if they all take off, there will be six regular writing clubs. Two for adults, two at schools, and two for home-educated children. It’s still very much an up and down thing for me, but I have got more confident this year and received the kind of feedback and praise I really needed to keep going. Encouraging other writers is my big passion and my company will continue to look into ways of doing this!
  • Work on short story/poetry/blog collection – I would love to say I’ll publish this in 2019, but I think that’s too ambitious, and I know it will get overshadowed by The Boy series and Bill Robinson…Still, I do hope to work on it a bit more. I had so many short stories lying around (some new, some from a previously released collection) that I decided it was time to get them all together and release another collection similar to Bird People. I’ve polished up a few and have loads more I need to work on. I’ve also got some old blog posts I want to include and even some poetry. Eeek! Yes, that’s a bit scary. I’ve always been intimated by poetry, reading it and writing it. But the thing is, my head is so constantly full of words it gets hard sometimes, and I just want to expel some. We will see what happens,  but to release another collection would be really, really fun.
  • REALITY; I didn’t release a collection but I had admitted that was ambitious. I have been working on a collection throughout the year though and it’s really coming together. There are still some stories I need to write and the poems just keep coming. I’m not sure I will release this in 2020 as I don’t get much time to work on it. I think I will just keep adding to it whenever I feel like it and release it when its big and good enough!

So, I didn’t do too badly at all. In fact, if I look back, it has been a pretty good year for my writing and for my company. Everything is heading in the right direction, which is all we can ask for, I guess. I feel positive about these goals and how I tackled them. In other ways, for other reasons, this year has not been easy. When I write my 2020 goals next week you might notice that they are not entirely writing related for the first time.

But over to you! Did you set any goals at the start of 2019? How many did you manage to achieve? Are you going to set any for 2020 or just go with the flow? Please feel free to share and comment!

My 2018 Goals Vs The Reality

~ ChanAtkins ~ 10 Comments

So, this has become a bit of a tradition for me. Every New Year I set myself some writing-related goals and then at the end of the year I compare the goals with what actually happened. I find it helps to keep track of things and it can also be encouraging to realise how many I did achieve. So, here we go. The goals I set myself at the start of 2018 and what actually happened…

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  1. Release Elliot Pie’s Guide To Human Nature – This was a goal for 2016 and 2017 but finally, I achieved it in 2018! After attempting to find a publisher and getting pretty close a few times, Elliot pie found a home with the all-women indie collective Pict Publishing. Elliot Pie was released at the start of October 2018. Phew!!
  2. Continue To Work on My YA Trilogy – This time a year ago my YA novel A Song For Bill Robinson was at 4th draft stage and I had penned a sequel and started the third book. All did not go to plan, however. I ran out of steam on the third book and decided to change the ending of the second and blend the two, making it two books, not three. I have not had a chance to attempt this yet, but Bill Robinson, the first book, is basically ready. I need a bit more feedback from beta readers, and at least a few more edits and proofreads, and then I will try the publisher route again, whilst also looking at possible front covers. I hope to release a Song For Bill Robinson in 2019 and finish the sequel too.
  3. Kickstart My New Company Into Action – A year ago, I was feeling very nervous indeed. My writing business, Chasing Driftwood Writing Group had just become a Community Interest Company. I was full of fear about this! I have to admit, I still am. But 2018 did see some progress. I secured three separate grants for the company, and I kickstarted my community writing project, with so far, three free kids workshops, and two school visits. It doesn’t feel like enough. I have felt constantly torn between excitement and passion, and total regret for ever doing this. I have achieved the goal though. I’ve started the community project and applied for funding for the school project. I’ve not been successful yet but I keep trying. I also have a new idea in the planning stages for a long-term project. As scary as it is, I will keep going in 2019.
  4. Apply For Funding For a School Project – see above! I have done this several times and I’m waiting for the result of my most recent bid. I do have two lots of funding for the community project and a small amount in place for the school, so we have made progress and I have learned a lot !
  5. Apply For More Funding For Community Writing Project – Yes, I’ve achieved this, and fingers crossed, there will be a partnership happening in 2019 which will enable me to access more money, advertising and reputation. If this comes off, it will really make the project a success which I feel will have major positive outcomes for my CIC in the long-run.
  6. Get Wheels In Motion For Two More Projects – One, yes, which involves writing, children and nature. I have started planning this and looking at possible funding available. The other project, no. It’s something I’d like to do but will be kept on the back burner for now.
  7. Push Forward With Pop-Up Book Shop Idea – I’ve had this idea for ages, but alas, this did not gain any traction in 2018 and I’m not sure I will have time for it in 2019. I might look into it again and it’s certainly something I want to pursue.

All in all, then, I didn’t do too badly! Mind you, I only set myself 7 and most were related to my CIC! One thing that wasn’t on there was revising and re-releasing The Boy With The Thorn in His Side as a six book series, but somehow I managed to fit that into 2018 despite it not being on the goals list! It just sort of happened and has taken over quite a large chunk of 2018! More about that on next week’s blog, My Writing Goals For 2019!!

How about you? Did you set yourself any goals for 2018, and if so, how did you do? Please feel free to comment and share!