writing

Giving Myself Permission to Draw Reminds Me Of When I Gave Myself Permission To Write

~ ChanAtkins ~ 4 Comments

Reclaiming my love of drawing

When I was a child I’d lose hours alone with a notebook, writing stories about lost and neglected animals and illustrating them myself. If you’d asked me back then I would have told you I longed to be an author and I’d also have told you how much I loved drawing. I did go on to study GCSE Art but that was where my attempts to draw came to an end. I stuck with writing for longer – though it fizzled out when I became a mother and I lost an entire decade where I did not write at all.

As a teenager, I used to sketch the characters in the stories I was working on, including The Boy With The Thorn In His Side, but post aged sixteen, I barely drew again. That’s as far as I allowed my skills to develop.

It’s sad when we grow up and lose our creativity and it happens all the time and to most people. Children are naturally creative in everything they do. They are curious about materials, they like to dance, move around, play make believe, sing, make noise, scribble and paint and make up stories. They don’t worry about being ‘good’ at it and they certainly don’t entertain the idea of making a ‘career’ out of it.

Yet as adults it is those two concerns that inevitably lead to us distancing ourselves from the creative pursuits we used to enjoy.

I remember going through a phase as a teenager where I would write little poems onto notepaper then illustrate the edges and paint over with water colours. I remember being thrilled with the results! Years later, when I finally got back into writing, I told myself it was just novel writing and that poetry was not my thing. Even when reclaiming writing, I was still putting up barriers to my creativity.

My journey with writing will never be over and I’m happy to say that as the years passed I naturally found myself progressing to embrace all forms of writing. Novels, short stories, flash fiction, essays, articles and yes, poetry! I love them all and practice them all every week.

What stopped me writing for a decade was not thinking I was good enough and not believing I could earn money from it. I’m so relieved that the urge continued to persist inside of me and that eventually it grew too big to ignore. I finally gave in and the dam burst in spectacular fashion. I recently published my twenty-third book, and earn monthly from writing in various forms on Medium. I’ve also had essays and articles published by various magazines over the years.

I have confidence in my writing now, but I still embrace progression and experimentation with it.

Back to drawing. Recently I started to get a very strong urge to draw. It reminded me very much of those urges to write I eventually gave into. It’s like a little bit of the old you poking relentlessly at your brain demanding to be let in, remembered and nurtured.

I started feeling like I wanted to create a graphic novel version of Black Hare Valley for crying out loud, that’s how strong the urge was. I gave in, to some extent. I didn’t plan to. But I was buying some supplies for my kids writing clubs in The Range and spotted some nice sketchbooks and before I knew it I had tucked one under my arm. It felt like giving myself a treat. Giving myself permission.

I’ve started playing around with ideas of sketches for Black Hare Valley. I’ve had fun with a few art tutorials and workbooks and had some helpful tips from my son who is studying A-Level Art. I’ve been pleased with my efforts but do you know what instantly occurred to me when I examined them?

one of the hares I’ve drawn for Black Hare Valley – just practicing!

They are the same level as the character drawings I did as a teenager. I haven’t gotten any better or matured my skills because I did not keep it up. Imagine how much better I would be at drawing now if I had not pushed that side of me away for so long!

Now every time I feel a bit embarrassed about my artistic efforts, and every time I feel like I am wasting my time or shouldn’t be doing it, I remind myself of how and why writing came back to me. It came back to me by itself. It hammered at my mind until I let it back in and once it had me in its grip again it refused to ever let go.

the bookshop in Black Hare Valley – a major location!

And because I stuck with it and practiced it, and tried new things, and studied it, and learnt from others, and got feedback, and kept going…. I got better!

I need to remind myself that the same thing applies to art.

the white hare – a character in Black Hare Valley – needs work!

My challenge is this: I want to illustrate the entire Black Hare Valley series myself. To do this I need to discover, embrace and improve my own style, much like writers do with their voice. I feel excited. I feel motivated. Whatever happens, it is good to have a challenge and a new hobby!

the ruins in Black Hare Valley – a major location
The raven in Black Hare Valley – another character – just pencil so far, will be going over with pen.

Advances in Tech Have Been Good To Writers – Until AI

~ ChanAtkins ~ Leave a comment

Using AI to help you write is not a road we should go down

Image by Christopher White from Pixabay

Up until recently technological advances in writing have been to my benefit as a writer. For example, without the internet we would not have self-publishing in the way we do now, print-on-demand, indie presses or even Amazon itself. Without the internet and everything it has brought us, it would have been much harder for me to realise my dream of becoming a published author.

Without the internet I would be unable to effectively market my books and build an author platform. I would not have my blog, my author accounts on social media, or good old Canva to help me make cool graphics.

In many ways, the internet offered a level playing field to writers. It didn’t matter so much who you were or where you came from, how wealthy or poor you were, or how educated or uneducated. There were no more gatekeepers — not if you were happy to take the independent route anyway.

Of course, being able to self-publish didn’t mean you would automatically sell a lot or gain any kind of following or respect, but hey, it was a start. At least our books were out there.

Up until now, technology has been a friend to me on my creative journey. I’d much rather type on my laptop than my old vintage typewriter, for example! The spelling and grammar check on Word is handy, and is there if I need it. So is Google — helping me research various topics without even have to leave my desk.

All of these things have helped me, so of course I am grateful for them. Have they made me a better writer though?

No. Experience has made me a better writer. Getting older has made me a better writer. Regular reading has made me a better writer. And my editor has made me a better writer. Funny how those things are all human…

Which is why I am unequivocally not in favour of writers using AI as a tool to help them write. To me, it’s cheating. There, I’ve said it. Now let me explain why, and let me explain why I do not advise new writers to go down that road.

Let’s put aside for now the many ethical issues with AI. The fact it is terrible for the environment and the fact it was trained by stealing from the published works of creative people without their permission. By the way, those two facts alone are enough for me to steer clear of it. Not that steering clear of it is easy! That’s another whole issue too. How exactly are we to avoid it?

Let’s stick with writing. What writing is, what it means to be a writer. I often think there are two kinds of writer if you want to be really basic about it. There is the writer who is born a writer: they’ve had a head full of ideas for as long as they can remember; they’re probably a maladaptive daydreamer; they frequently drift off into their own little worlds and they write all the time, every day, no matter what. Not because they want to but because they have to. They would still write even if the internet vanished. They would still write even if they never made a penny from it. They would still write even if no one ever read a word of it. They have to write.

The second kind come to writing a little later maybe. They have that one good idea they can’t let go of, and eventually they drum up the courage to do something about it. They then get the bug and realise they have a whole lot more to say. They may, for this reason, be a little more motivated by money, reads and respect. If the money dried up, for instance, they might not bother again.

I have the privilege of working with young writers. My job is supporting and encouraging them on their own writing journeys by offering prompts, challenges, activities and feedback. I run various clubs online and in person for children aged between 7 and 18. I love my job.

Nearly all of these children fall into the first category of writers I mentioned. Making money and future careers are not on their mind at all. They simply love writing. They were writing before they joined my clubs, and I have every faith they will still write after they leave.

Imagine my distress then when one of my young writers told me that they often use AI to help with their writing. In their own words, ‘to help them get better.’ Imagine my frustration when another, even younger writer, told me their school teacher had shown them how to use AI to write whole stories. They couldn’t understand why I wasn’t a fan of this. I wanted to remind them that there would be no job left for me if this trend continued. If they use AI to ‘get better’ at writing or if they use AI to write a story for them, what do they need me for?

So, that’s one concern. The other is that they are simply selling themselves short and taking the quick route to finishing a story or a project.

I didn’t say it to them, but my honest opinion is that using AI to help you write is cheating. I am not talking about using a spell check or grammar check — that is not the same thing.

I am talking about writing a paragraph and then asking AI to make it ‘better’ for you. I am talking about having ideas for a story and then asking AI to write it for you. I am talking about using AI to craft your emails or to regurgitate articles and essays here on Medium. I am talking about handing over your own beautiful creative human soul to AI.

It makes me want to cry!

The way I feel is this: writing should be hard. Crafting the perfect email should be something you take time over. Constructing a poem to reveal your inner feelings, should take a long time. Novels should be written draft after agonising draft. Blood, sweat and tears should go into writing because writing is important! Goddamn it, writing is what makes us human. Telling stories has been part of our lives since the very start. Telling stories, reading books, listening to music, dancing, acting, sewing, knitting, all of these creative and imaginative pursuits are what make us human.

Writing is far too important to hand over to AI.

I have had a few discussions with young writers about using AI and they have outlined their reasons for relying on it, but they have failed to change my mind. One of the reasons someone gave was that they knew what they wanted to say but not how to say it, so they wrote the paragraph of the essay then asked AI to reword or reorganise it.

NO, I wanted to scream, that’s your job! That’s called editing. Editing, revising, rewriting are all important aspects of writing and they are how you learn to get better! You can’t tell me AI teaches you these things. You’re not going to learn that way. You’re going to learn by figuring it out for yourself.

And yes, I know, a writer rarely works alone. After many, many drafts of a novel, the writer uses beta readers, editors and proof-readers to polish up that product. Please don’t tell me that’s the same as using AI because it bloody isn’t. Firstly, do we really want to see all those people out of jobs? And second, AI cannot do what they do. It cannot replace the relationship you build with these people, it cannot relate to you and your writing in the way they can once they understand your writing voice and style. And worse than all of that, AI is trained by using other people’s work… Do you really want your writing to sound like someone else’s?

And let’s go back to writing voice and style because I think that is one of the main things at risk from using AI to ‘help’ you write. Having your own unique voice is one of the most important and beautiful and human things about writing. The fact that the same thing can be said in so many different ways simply because we have different personalities, is beautiful to me. Fascinating. Even with my youngest writers I notice their different styles. That’s a unique human thing and we cannot allow AI to replace that.

How will new and young writers ever find their writing style and voice if they use AI to help them so early on?

One of the people I discussed this with stuck to their argument, which was fine, but I told them again and again, you do not need it. You have got this far without it. This person is incredibly smart and articulate, and has their own writing style and voice. One I hugely admire. They do not need AI!

In fact, I would go as far to say that the there are only two groups of writers who do need AI, and even they shouldn’t use it. Writers who are just not very good and don’t want to learn how to get better, and people who want to make a fast buck by using AI to churn out ebooks.

From someone who spends years on each book I write, it makes me feel genuinely sick. These people are not writers and do not understand how important writing is.

AI is diluting what it means to be a creative human being. It genuinely worries me. Not only does it make me fear for my job, both as an author and as a creative writing tutor, but I fear where it will lead us. What will be the outcome of this? What will future writers sound like? What if the authors of the future can’t even string a sentence together by themselves because they never learned how? What if the writers of tomorrow never connect with other creatives because they’ve asked AI to craft all their emails and correspondence, used AI as an editor and proof-reader, and churned an ebook out that has no heart, no soul, no meaning?

I worry about how this will impact human imagination. I worry about how this will affect the whole process of what it means to be a writer. Writers who rely on AI will miss out on so much: the joy and tears of trial and error, of success after failure, or pushing through writers block to get to that finish line, of holding a book in your hands and smiling joyfully as you rightfully claim, I wrote this!

My final argument against the use of AI in writing is this. Shakespeare didn’t need it. Jane Austen didn’t need it. The Brontes didn’t need it. Stephen King didn’t need it. Countless authors who have touched our lives, inspired us, made us laugh and made us cry for hundreds of years, got this far without AI helping them — so why the hell do we need it now? We don’t.

We can and should do it ourselves.

I’m going to give the final words on this debate to one of my favourite poets and authors, Charles Bukowski. Bukowski wrote a lot of poems about writing but this is my favourite and this is exactly how I feel about writing.

“If it doesn’t come
bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don’t do it.

Unless it comes unasked
out of your heart
and your mind
and your mouth
and your gut,
don’t do it.

If you have to sit for hours staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your typewriter
searching for words,
don’t do it.

If you’re doing it
for money or fame,
don’t do it.

If you’re doing it because
you want women in your bed,
don’t do it.

If you have to sit there
and rewrite it again and again,
don’t do it.

If it’s hard work
just thinking about doing it,
don’t do it.

If you’re trying to write
like somebody else,
forget about it.

If you have to wait
for it to roar out of you,
then wait patiently.
If it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

If you first have to read it
to your wife
or your girlfriend
or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you’re not ready.

Don’t be like so many writers,
don’t be like so many thousands of people
who call themselves writers.
Don’t be dull
and boring
and pretentious,
don’t be consumed with self — love.

The libraries of the world
have yawned themselves
to sleep over your kind.

Don’t add to that.
Don’t do it.

Unless it comes out of your soul
like a rocket,
unless being still
would drive you to madness
or suicide
or murder,
don’t do it.

Unless the sun inside you
is burning your gut,
don’t do it.

When it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by itself
and it will keep on doing it
until you die
or it dies in you.

There is no other way.
And there never was.”

Charles Bukowski

This Week I Had Five WIPS Vying For Attention In My Head

~ ChanAtkins ~ 5 Comments

I Need More Me’s!

Image by TyliJura from Pixabay

If you’ve followed my blog for a while you’ll probably know that I find it impossible to work on just one writing project at a time. Ideally, I would love to. One story idea, one plot, one set of characters, one job to do! I envy writers whose minds work like that. It must feel very in control.

It’s never that way with me. There is always the book ready to be published that needs quotes posting, cover sorting, final edits and so on. There is always the current priority work-in-progress and sometimes that’s a series, not a standalone. And there are always the future books, the ideas, all in various stages!

It’s been like that this week, and then some.

First, I am trying to draw attention to The Mess Of Us which came out on Valentines Day. That means promoting it as best I can and creating graphics of quotes from the book and reviews as they come in.

Second, I am preparing my next book for release at the end of the year. I need to sort out the cover, finalise the blurb and send it to my editor. Recently I read it through on my kindle to pick up any lingering typos or plot holes and found it to be a very clean read. But it still needs that professional edit and proofread. I hope to release The Dark Finds You towards the end of the year.

Third, I’ve been adding stories and poems to my next anthology Dirty Feet. I’ve no idea when I will release this, but every now and then I add new bits and pieces to it, so it’s always on the go.

Next, I’ve been working on my official work-in-progress, Black Hare Valley. It was never meant to be a series but book one inspired two more books and then I had the idea of a diary style companion book. That’s what I am writing at the moment, and once that is finished, I will be going through each book in the series with a fine toothed comb, ensuring there are no plot holes and a clear timeline that makes sense!

But as well as all this I started getting the urge to create a graphic novel style version of Black Hare Valley. Don’t ask me why. I can’t even draw very well! I haven’t done anything about this. But the urge is there and it’s very strong!

Plus, I’ve been thinking a lot about which book I will work on once Black Hare Valley is complete and decided it will be The Seventh Child, a family mystery thriller. This idea has been building for a while, and I already had the whole plot, the location and the character bios in a notebook. A while back I wrote the first chapter, because, why not? This week, this book has been screaming at me to get on with it! Please, someone tell it it has to wait!

On top of that another book idea keeps growing and swelling and this week I figured out exactly how I will tell it. Anya and Cody Start The Apocalypse is an idea that came to me in bits and pieces with the characters showing up first. I eventually started a notebook to keep track of things and soon had character bios and locations and a loose plot. That plot has since tightened up but I was still unsure of how to tell the story. Then I figured it out. Epistolary style! The book will be written by another narrator who is writing a dissertation project on Anya and Cody after their story is over. It will be told by the narrator compiling diaries, letters, news reports and social media posts in order to explain what happened. I’ve written diary style books before, (The Mess Of Me and The Mess Of Us, plus the companion diary for Black Hare Valley) but I’ve never tried anything like this so I am really, really excited! And I want to do it now!

But it has to wait! I will carry on adding bits to the notebook of course. But that doesn’t mean it will shut up.

My head is full of all these stories all the time. I wish I could create some extra me’s or some extra hands to get it all done. I think I will feel better once I finish the Black Hare Valley diary book. I can then fully concentrate on getting the whole series ready for publication in 2026. I would love to have the first book ready to go in January 2026, for example. The rest of the books will follow one by one throughout that year, and in that time I will be busy writing The Seventh Child.

Then it will be Anya and Cody’s turn…

What is wrong with me?

The Mess Of Us – Q&A with Chantelle Atkins

~ ChanAtkins ~ 2 Comments

Here’s an interview I did this week for our little indie collective Chasing Driftwood Books!

A gripping sequel to her 2016 novel, The Mess of Me, this book dives back into the world of Joe and Lou and these of identity and resilience… Let’s get started!

The Mess of Me was a huge success, what inspired you to return to this story after a decade?

A. A sequel was in the pipeline years ago. I had always wondered what happened next to Lou and Joe. The first book ends with a sort of happy ending, but with lots of questions about what would happen after the dramatic and violent events of that book. A few years back I started writing the sequel when I got the idea of a teenage pregnancy. I was fascinated with how they would both cope with that on top of recovering from the events of the first book. It then took me a whole to get around to writing it due to other projects, but it was the teenage pregnancy idea that really sparked off the rest of it. That, and always wanting to explore Leon’s character more. He is the villain of the first book and I always feel like villains have a story to tell. How did they become that way, for example? Are they capable of redemption? So I felt like he deserved a story. 

How has your writing style or approach changed in the past ten years? 

A. It’s probably the same! I still start with loose ideas in my head that eventually end up as notes in a notebook which I’ll then add to whenever I get more ideas. Eventually there will be enough plot to get started so that’s what I do. I rarely plan the whole book in advance, but I always know what’s going to happen for the next few chapters at least. I’m probably better at self-editing and being ruthless with the word count though. I think I am better at that now.

Did you always plan to write a sequel, or was there a moment when you knew this story wasn’t finished? 

A. I didn’t plan a sequel at the time, no. It was years later that I got the idea for the teenage pregnancy and the rest grew from there. Plus, Lou is like a lot of my characters. She would chat to me from time to time. I’d tune into her and wonder how life was going. If that keeps happening, it starts to feel like a sequel is inevitable.

What challenges did you face in reconnecting with the characters and world after so much time?

A.I reread the first book before I started the sequel. I then revamped and republished it! That pretty much gave me what I needed to pick those characters up again. Plus, they had never really left me, so it was not hard to tune into them for the sequel. As for the world, these books are part of a bigger inter-connected universe of books and I was still writing books in that universe, so again, it was not challenging to reconnect with it. It was a pleasure! I know them all so well it felt like coming home.

Were there any major plot points or character arcs that surprised you while writing the sequel?

A. No, I always had it in mind that Leon would come out of prison and Lou and Joe would have to deal with that. Would Joe want to see him, for example? Would he want to forgive him? What would Leon be like now? Worse, or a reformed character? I was really curious about that and really excited to further explore Leon’s character and back story. Parts of the plot revealed themselves to be as I wrote it, but it all felt natural so I just went with the flow.

How do you think readers’ perceptions of the first book will shape their experience of the sequel?

A.I hope they like it! A few people have read it without reading the first one so I have every confidence it also works as a standalone, but I really hope readers of the first book enjoy it too! There were a few readers that often mentioned it was their favourite book of mine and they’d love a sequel, so in some ways I had them in mind while writing it. I expect they’ll know what’s coming in terms of the gritty storylines and references to eating disorders, self-harm and drugs. They’ll also know it’s another diary style format.

Have your own life experiences over the last decade influenced the themes or direction of this book?

A.Yes. To be honest, Lou is the character most based on me. I have suffered with eating disorders in the past and the truth is, they never really go away. They follow you about and haunt you and wait for opportunities to take control again. They’re like little voices in your head that want to convince you to trust them, that they can make everything all right again. I’m much older than I was when I had these issues, but as Lou finds out in The Mess of Us, often when things go wrong, those little voices come back. So you have to be wary and careful. You can’t let your guard down.  Forms of self-harm can be addictive and can be coping strategies you come to rely on. I have also experienced a miscarriage, which is another hard-hitting storyline in the book. That part was very hard to write but I hope I did it justice. 

What kind of balance did you try to strike between nostalgia for longtime fans and accessibility for new readers?

A.That was the aim, to give readers of the first book a sequel they would enjoy and let them find out what happened next, but also write a book new readers could enjoy on its own. That meant Lou and the other characters had to sometimes mention or explain what had happened previously, but you have to be careful not to make it boring or repetitive for the original readers, so it is hard!

If you could go back and change anything about the first book, would you?

A.I would probably make it shorter!

Do you see this sequel as the end of the story, or is there potential for more in the future?

A.It’s the end of the story for Lou and Joe, as far as I know anyway! But it is not the end of the story for Leon. He will be back in a new book towards the end of the year. We will finally have his point of view and his full story. The book will be called The Dark Finds You and I’d describe it as a crime thriller. It is also a crossover book which will be enjoyable to anyone who has read the books in the shared universe. If you’ve read The Holds End trilogy, The Boy With The Thorn In His Side series, Elliot Pie’s Guide To Human Nature or The Mess Of Me and The Mess Of Us, you will find characters from all those books returning!

Thank you, Chantelle!

The Mess of Us is one book in a connected universe made up of various series penned by Atkins. You can grab your copy of The Mess of Us by clicking here.

Or start the journey from the beginning today with the groundbreaking 2013 novel, The Mess of Me.