Feeling sick today…

Do you ever wake up like that? Do you ever wake up and think god this world is going to bring me down, some time sooner or later, one day. It could really bring you down, couldn’t it? You know it. If you let it. I mean, in every sense, physical and emotional. If you let it, it could. It could destroy you. Or at least, you wake up feeling sick.

I woke up this morning and I travelled downstairs to begin the usual routine, with this terrible skin of despair clinging to me. No fancy words or descriptions needed for it. It is sadness. I felt terribly sad and it was bringing me right down, because it wants to, and I know why…

A brief flick through Facebook on my phone and this familiar uneasy feeling of disquiet settled in my belly. Except it does not really settle. It stirs and groans and rumbles and churns. It dulls the brightness of everything around me. My home, the music playing, the baby chewing on his toast. I have to shake it off and I will. Keep the music playing. BBC6 Music in the kitchen. Choose some CD’s for the car. Oasis or The Stone Roses will fit the bill for the school run. I need it. Room to breathe. The chance to shiver, tingle, let the brightness seep back through me, let me see the shine again.

It could bring you down but the trick is not to let it. Not the daily dose of misery and selfish tainted humanity, not the tragic loss of everything that was once golden, everything now sullied and dirtied and stained. Nothing precious or fresh or bright anymore, nothing sacred or untouched by greed and hate.

Greedy soulless human hands destroying everything everywhere you look. Our beautiful world, beautiful possibilities and potential all washed away or crushed by the clutching blood stained hands of psychopathic corporate politicians. Yeah, all of them. I don’t distinguish anymore. Corporate greed owns politics and politics owns the media and the media own our fear and our fears allow them to systematically rape the natural world, killing children, dropping bombs and missiles, over and over and over and over, endless war, endless carnage, and the continued dulling of the senses, the turning away that we all do, the blind eye.

So depressing. Every little inch of it. People at the bottom more trodden on than ever. Despised and maligned. Massive yawning gap between rich and poor. Desperate times for so many, and the poisoning of our food and our air. And worse than this, worse than all of this, the dreadful heavy apathy. The don’t care, and don’t see, and they deserved it. The TV addicts and reality show vultures and fast food devourers. Soaking it all up day after day, oblivious and stubborn, lazy apathetic carelessness. Something precious lost forever. Innocence and hope.

You see, you see? It brings you down. Makes it hard to breathe, hard to hope. Hope is so painful and disappointment rages every day, knocking it away. Live in it and crawl, live in it and forget. Don’t worry. Don’t bother. Don’t fight them back. Go back to sleep. Watch TV. Buy things.

But that’s what they really want, what they need, what they expect us to do…Are there enough of us left to realise this? To fight back and stand up? To see the beauty and the shine before it is rubbed away, erased forever? Human nature. Human race. By and large, overall, a massive let down. A dastardly disappointment.

Or will we be able to turn it around at the last moment? Realise what we are doing before it is too late? Will the best of us ever win, ever shine through? Will the good guys ever win? You could feel so angry. I could scream and snarl and spit. It’s our world and they have put a price tag on everything. But what can we do but small things?? Listen, become informed, question everything, seek the truth, speak the truth, grow your own, tell your children. Do your best. Pass it on.

I feel better now. She Bangs The Drums on the way home. Singing loudly. I have a crap voice but I like to hear it singing loudly. Went for a walk and spotted a little fawn on the other side of the river eating some leaves. It looked up and saw me watching and then it went right back to what it was doing. It knew I couldn’t bother it. It knew it was all right. There it was, like all the animals and the insects living it’s little private life peacefully. Made me smile anyway.

The heavy feeling is still there. I still feel sick. Never know whether to watch the news or tune it all out and try to be happy. Sadness is allowed, though theirs is so much greater than mine in my cosy little life. The right amount of anger, sadness and rebellion is needed, the right amount of realism and joy, and most importantly keep looking for the shine.

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