But I am determined to get through this…
A few weeks ago I wrote here and on Substack about suffering writers block for the first time in my life. I was able to recognise the signs and the symptoms I’ve spent the last decade helping my students through. As a creative writing tutor, dealing with other people’s writers block has been extremely common. I had all the classic signs and was procrastinating like hell. I was even starting to dread my evening’s writing – something that is not like me at all.
I was scrolling through my phone, opening up new tabs on my laptop and scrolling through various feeds. I was ‘checking’ things like emails and my bank account, when I really didn’t need to. In short, I was putting off writing. And when I did open up that blank page, whether it’s here on my blog, a new story on Medium or a new post on Substack, I was faltering. Hesitating. I was finding it hard.
There were a few reasons for this and I did manage to get through it. I even managed to push through and finish my current work-in-progress, which was the Black Hare Valley diary style companion book.
But the feeling of being disconnected to writing has not gone away and in all honesty, it is making me feel sick. So I decided to come here and be honest about it. This blog was the very first thing I shared my writing on. Way before I published any books, and a whole decade before I discovered things like Medium and Substack, I was just here. Writing about writing, writing about life. Just writing.
If I am going to be really honest about this situation, then I have to face some uncomfortable truths, and facing those would be easier if I thought I had a solution, a way forward. The thing is, I don’t. Except for to keep trying…
The truth is I am having a huge crisis of confidence when it comes to writing. I am doubting myself like never before. I am getting ideas that I fail to follow through on. I am starting stories, poems and essays and not finishing them. I am reading and editing current WIPs and hating every word. I am feeling like an imposter, all these years later. If I am really, really honest, I am feeling like a loser. A failure.
I don’t want to harp on about why. I have covered this in other posts. I think the main issue is that all these years and books later, I am still no further along, at least not in sales and reviews. I know, I know, I shouldn’t fixate on them. I love writing and would do it anyway. I know that success can be measured in other ways, such as my writing improving, or just the amount of work I have produced.
But I don’t know. It doesn’t feel enough. I am a few years away from turning fifty and I cannot help feeling left behind somehow… Unimportant.
I don’t expect anyone to feel sorry for me or to offer advice, by the way. I am just returning to this blog in the manner in which it started. Me, offloading my thoughts and feelings. Me, trying to figure things out. It helped back then so I am hoping it will help now.
Two weeks ago I blogged about building an author platform and whether you should scrap it and start again if it’s not working. I guess this post is related to that question. Last week I blogged about whether I should serialise my WIP on here, Substack or Medium. I kind of want to but I am scared.
The reasons to do it come from the author platform query. If it’s not working, try something new. Is it time, for example, that I did try a new approach? Maybe offering my writing for free will bring in new readers, who will then go on to purchase my other books. Maybe it is worth a try,
But my biggest fear is still no one reading it…
I can’t imagine how horrible that would feel after everything.
Things continue to be a shitshow over on Medium. If my earnings go any lower, I will need to rethink my membership. Just months ago I was making hundreds every month and it gave me such a confidence boost! I felt like a real writer! I even saw an uptick in my book sales.
Now I feel like I am questioning everything I do. I guess I need a confidence boost from somewhere and serialising my WIP and offering it for free could be the way to do it…
Or it could backfire horribly…
Still, I suppose that is the worst that can happen and if it did? I would have something to blog about for a while!
Let me know what you think in the comments. Could giving work away like this bring in new readers and give me the boost of interest I need right now? Or could it make things worse?
The Glorious Outsiders 
Every word of that resonates with me. My marketing efforts all come to nothing. I haven’t sold a book to someone I don’t know for two years. My medium earnings have stopped, publications are rejecting my submissions and I can’t be bothered on the platform any more.
My autistic brain has decided that the problem is obviously due to my writing being rubbish. I’m in the middle of writing four novels (which is not unusual for me), but I have no motivation to finish any of them.
One thing I can do is assure you that you are a brilliant writer. I’m looking forward to your next publication, wherever, whenever and however it appears.
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Thank you Richard for the kind words! I do feel your pain. Medium was so great for a while! I just can’t figure it out now and it does bash your confidence, and lack of sales etc does too. But I love that you have four novels on the go anyway – good for you! We are very alike when it comes to that!
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Medium is strange. I mostly unsubscribed the newsletters I received from Medium. I prefer reading anything on WordPress or other blogs (but I still prefer WordPress).
As for writers block… If you are worried about something, if you have a problem in the daily life, your brain cannot connect properly to writing until you solve that. So it might need a little break from writing and focusing on other pending issues…
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Thank you! That is so true. I am actually feeling a bit better since I wrote this and I am going to just concentrate on editing, and small pieces like my blog for a while!
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I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I don’t know about the effect of giving some of your work away. I tried that by removing a couple of my ebooks from Amazon’s Kindle Unlimited, then I used Draft to Digital to put the ebooks for free on a bunch of outlets. I haven’t seen any change, but I don’t expect anything significant. After all, I’m just one writer in an ocean of them. But I wanted to give it a try.
You said that you don’t expect advice, but I feel compelled to toss up a few suggestions. You may want to take a short break from writing. Then read books by your favorite authors. Maybe read stuff you don’t normally read. Poetry, graphic novels, non-fiction about various subjects. Doing that has helped me. As has focusing on poems or flash-fiction stories and finishing them, rather than keep starting new projects and leaving them unfinished.
I’ve gone through several periods where I didn’t feel confident about writing. I’ve decided to look at writing as a hobby and not something that will pay me enough so I can do it full-time. I rarely sell books. That gets me down from time to time. But projects can still make me enthusiastic, and I’m grateful to have that.
I hope you discover stuff that helps you in this time, to get your enthusiasm back 🌞
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Thank you so much Dave, I really appreciate you reading and leaving a reply! That’s all great advice and I very much agree with it, plus I can empathise with your own experiences. It is tough out there. At the moment I am giving myself a break from any big projects and it feels like the right thing to do. I am editing, drawing, and writing small things like my blog or my Substack posts. That is enough for now!
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